cosmic konfusion

Greetings and salutations dear readership!

Ok, for those of you who were following, the book is gone.  I will not be posting any more book entries on my blog.  For my truly devoted fans, just e-mail me and I’ll send you updates as the story progresses.  I’m now working on the manuscript to get it published.  Thanks for the feedback and please feel free to continue giving it.  In the meantime, I’ll post random updates of life on here as I used to.  Hope you are all well!

Wen J

There is nothing like a boring little blog entry to keep you comin back for more….  Here’s what my life has consisted of in the past few weeks.  I stayed up until after 1am the other night filling out my vote by mail’ ballot.  When you have kids, sometimes nighttime is the only time you have.  But I went on line and thoroughly researched the candidates and I feel good about the choices that I made.  When it comes to the upcoming presidential election, I can’t tell you yet who I WILL be voting for—but ICAN tell you who I won’t be voting for.  OBAMA  This is not a rock concert folks…it’s our country and our lives and the lives of our children.  I don’t think he’s a bad person or anything, he just doesn’t support my viewpoints. I actually pray before I vote that I will be enlightened and choose the best candidate that supports what I consider to be strong moral values.  I don’t like the hype and the glamorization of people running for office.  Just be who you are, I say.  At any rate, I take it very seriously and I don’t forget that people have died so that I have the right to vote and be a part of a great nation that allows us the freedoms we enjoy.  So, I’m gonna do everything that I can to see that my vote counts.  

My two little ones have been sick for over a week now.  That sure makes life interesting.  Here’s a tip for all of you parents out there.  I recently learned that school age children can bring home a plethora of germs on their clothes---yep---their clothes.  And those germs can survive for hours.  The new rule in my home is that when my 9 year old daughter gets home from school she must change her clothes and wash her hands thoroughly before touching the babies and such.  Call me a germ-a-phobe, but you haven’t lived until you’ve been awakened night after night by a coughing two year old and a baby who starts screaming because he can’t breathe through his nose.  You hit a certain level of sleep deprivation and you loose several sanity points—trust me.  Luckily though, this seems to be a short-lived virus and the fevers have been under 100 so it’s at least manageable.  One must find the silver lining in times such as these…or perhaps, at all times.  Yes, that would be more apropos. It takes a very altruistic person to be a good parent.  I like to think that I succeed at least part of the time.

Now, currently, there is a fierce storm hammering our little Arizona home.  This time of year brings the monsoon season and for an Arizonian, that means one thing---humidity.  Add humidity to the temperatures we have this time of year and you’ve just slipped into the seventh circle of hell.  Yeah, the weather has been pretty unpleasant.  The rain rocks though and I LOVE a good thunderstorm!  So, I’m enjoying the storm, despite the flash flood warning, and hoping the rain will continue until tomorrow evening so we can get a nice break from the drowning air and the stifling heat.

Tonight Frroggie and I completed a six week ‘How to have a better marriage’ workshop thing through our church.  One of the things that I learned during these classes was that anger is an addiction.  Yeah—pretty freaky huh?  I had never thought about it that way before, but people actually get addicted to the adrenaline rush and the debate, etc.  I don’t know about y’all, but I can sure think of better ways to get an adrenaline rush!  It was a good course and the teachers were fab.  I guess we can all use a little refresher from time to time eh?

My two year old, Emma is developing up quite the lexicon.  Here’s her latest little ‘quirk’.  When I take her in to change her diaper, she always wants to hold one of the clean new diapers while I’m changing her so she can look at the characters on them.  Recently as I’m finishing changing her, she looks at her diaper and says, “I’ve had enough.”  And pitches it backwards over her head.  Oh, you better believe I laughed.  I laughed until I cried.  The things kids pick up on---I swear!    

Apparently blogs are the new ‘it’ thing.  Almost everyone in my husband’s family has started a family blog.  I may now be forced to start one as well.  However, that one will be rated ‘G’ as this one is more along the lines of PG-13.  That one will be Sunshine and Daisies in the 21^st Century and this one is….well, a bit darker, actually.  I tend to dump my bad feelings in here from time to time—usually via dark poetry.

Ok, perhaps I will continue this tomorrow because it’s just after midnight and I’m passing out.  Lack of sleep due to sick kiddos will do that to you as well.  It also has a tendency to make you forget all the boring things you were going to write about.  So, I’ll be back later---hopefully well rested.

 

Wen J

The Black Wolf

 

The black wolf lives deep inside the cold heart.  There once was a white wolf there as well, but it’s been neglected….not fed or cared for in some time.  It’s grey now.  The black wolf is strong and powerful…having fed on those destructive thoughts for so very long.  But, how can one have good thinking when the big bad wolf is in charge?

He waits there…smug in his unrighteous indignation. He seethes with hatred and justifies his hostility to himself.  He’ll huff and he’ll puff and he’ll blow himself in.  Then he’ll shriek and give lie, and leave truth to die.  All the while, the want dripping from his razor sharp teeth—the destruction they leave behind, so very brutal.

He hunts the pig.  He taunts it and incites as much fear as possible. “Little pig, little pig, I’ll blow your head off! And I’ll take out your piglets cause they’ll be better off!”  He will never again allow the little pig to rest in peace or feel safe.  The big black wolf is all about intimidation.  He thinks he’s all that but he’s not even a little of this.  He’s been fed a paradigm that is tainted by deceit.  Deceit of the self by virtue of innate rightness.

The Big Bad Wolf is never wrong.  He is a God in his own mind. His dirty paws digging the heartache deeper all the time.  It makes him feel powerful to bring about pain.  A touch of psychosis permeates the air around him.  He doesn’t realize he’s the source of it. He seeks to destroy the white wolf in others.  Destruction suits him so well, and after all…he’s good at it.

The white wolf is trapped and afraid.  She cannot protect her pups this way.  She struggles with turning dark herself.  But what would that do to her little family? No, no, mustn’t be that selfish.  She eats her spinach and lives to fight another day.  She puts her children ahead of herself.  They are afraid of the black wolf too.  This makes the white wolf sad.

The black wolf sleeps but he’ll be back.  He’ll be back to torment and degrade the white wolf.  He’ll be back to exact his revenge.  Maybe he will get some retribution himself.  The white wolf won’t deal it, but assuredly, someone will.  The black wolf will choke on his own vomit someday.  The white wolf’s eyes are too puffy to see the black wolf coming.  He has left his mark once again. Someday he’ll burn while the white wolf watches….a mischievous grin splattered across her face.

Tonight I’m remembering bad things that are good…or was it good things that are bad?

Perhaps a bit of both.

The way he took advantage of my vulnerability… For a while I liked it.

Catching air on the big white slide—I seriously could have died.

Driving the wrong way down a one way street with Jennifer Taylor and him.

Kinda geeky, that.

Howling at the Madonna blood moon

Even geekier.

Doing it on the playground in the rain—the grass got in my hair—among other places…oh yeah, I’d definetly do it again even though it was very bad...good…bad…gooooood

Good thing my conscience isn’t THAT loud.

Reassuring all my friends—camp counselor that I am.  The burn out that followed…

I wish I wasn’t so wishy-washy

The guy that spilt beer down my back ‘on accident’…whatever dude…

Go home smelling like a bar—fun explaining that.

Me singing at the top of my lungs in the empty house—and later discovering my uncle was outside the window the entire time…..kill me.

Me singing by myself—a solo---people always want me to do that… ugh! Heart attack.

The Datsun and the guy next to me singing the same song.

We laughed together at the next light. No idea now what the song was then.

My unabashed ability to request Grey Poupon from unsuspecting drivers…in my best English accent, of course.

Him.  The biggest fall.

My affinity for vampires and the way Salem’s Lot scared the hell outta me.  Silly.

Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas---

I cannot help myself or keep from smiling.

Dancing like no one was watching when no one was.

Chinese fire drills without spilling the Grey Poupon.

Frantically pointing at a driver’s tires while mouthing “Your wheels are spinning” and watching them in the rear view mirror as they pull over to check. 

Yeah, I’m a devil….

Writing

The house I let go

His perfect lips and how little I get of them—married to my children---against my will.

All the others and how I got more than I wanted

Objectified, terrified, by my side, the one who lied

My music

Passion for everything and the reckless abandon that trails along…

My exhaustive efforts

Those damn pink jeans! In what dimension would I ever wear anything but black? Puhleeeezzzzz!

The Hyundai…out of oil….he saved me.

Embarrassing Lee while talking loudly about her imaginary rash so brazenly in public

Evil am I….mwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!

How hilarious it is that I’m considered obtuse.

What you think you know will terminate you

My seventh sense and how well it serves me. It sucks being right.

The peanut butter sandwich, finger through the middle, run in my nylons.

Witnesses to the whole wretched affair!

Some things live forever.

The tight black pants with the gothic black boob shirt…I was hot!

The nicotine I’ll never take back….good riddance!

The best damn pizza of my life with lots of munchies

The praying mantis and the look on his face...disapproval. Death.

My stupid green eyes

The hot mess that confounds me daily.

Him singing with me hand in hand on the strip.

I forgot that song too, dammit.

The way the gun felt in my hands and my uncanny natural ability to shoot it.

It scared him.  I liked that.

The way I do her so well.

Not what it sounds like, gutter brain!

My blind devotion to the one I love

It traps me.

My need for sleep………….. 

Is it July already?  Sheesh!  Where does the time go?  I mean, honestly.  I wrote back in March and was supposed to write a follow-up shortly thereafter….but alas, life happens.  Ok y’all, in our last episode; we discussed life’s little wonders.  Frroggie and I were about to travel to Las Vegas, the all-American brothel, to experience something wonderful and enlightening…. (bit of an oddity, that) And we did…..

I would be remiss if I didn’t say right here and now, that it was a truly beautiful experience.  Frroggie and I have grown stronger because of it.  So, what did we do you ask?  Well, here it is folks:  We took our kids and got sealed in the Las Vegas Nevada temple for time and all eternity.  Yep, I’m Mormon.  Look people, Mormons aren’t perfect ok?  We swear sometimes and we get angry with each other and sometimes we even go to the store on Sundays.  I’m a liberal-minded Mormon, but I do practice my religion.  I’m unwaveringly faithful to my husband and he to me.  My family is the most important thing in my world, and I’m basically a good person and kind most of the time—not all of the time.  I have my limits ya know.  Read enough of this blog or the ‘darker’ poetry I’ve placed on here and you’ll soon find that out.  However, I believe what I believe and respect the rights of others to believe as they choose.  Frroggie and I worked long and hard to get to the point of going through the temple so it was a major accomplishment for us.  And an awesome experience.  MWAAAAA  HAAAA HAAAA!!!  He’s stuck with me forever now!  Of course, if you ask him, I’M stuck with HIM forever.  Either way, it’s a done deal.   Now, let me just clarify---I don’t belong to the radicalist church that has taken most of my church’s name and is currently all over the news for all the polygamist crap.  True LDS people do not practice polygamy or any of the other abominable things being reported on the news.  That being said, when we get married in the temple, it is not ‘til death do us part’----it’s ‘for time and all eternity’.  Thus our union is sealed beyond the grave and, in fact, forever.  To some this may seem odd, but to those who believe in life after death, perhaps the notion isn’t so preposterous.  What else could you possibly want to have with you forever other than your family?  You can’t take money or toys or cars or fame.  The greatest gift that any of us can ever hope to have is that of a happy family… well, as far as I’m concerned, anyway.  Ok, enough of that.  I think I can say that it was everything that I hoped it would be.  Now we just have to live up to the promises we made to each other every day for the rest of ….well, eternity. 

However…. I have to say that I was shockingly dismayed at the billboards and outrageous advertisements that surrounded us there in Vegas.  Some of them actually had nudity on them.  How do the people who live there put up with that crap?  I dunno, but to each his own.  I will never live there, that’s for sure.  I couldn’t help but think, ‘what if that was MY daughter’? every time I was confronted with the offensive ads.  It was sort of surreal being there for something so spiritually uplifting in the middle of so much garbage.  Even Frroggie was a bit taken back at how bad it had gotten and he grew up there!  But anyway, enough about that.  I don’t live there so I guess I really don’t give a rats. 

Ok, on to other stuff.  I haven’t been on here very much because I’ve been working on like, three books and frankly, one can only type so much…  But, huzzah!  Today I submitted two manuscripts—children’s books.  We shall see what happens.  I’m working on like three others for adults and it’s probably a mistake to not just single one out and get er done, but it depends on my mood which I feel like working on at any given time.  I’ve got this vampire story broiling in the back of my mind that I’m actually putting off working on right now because I have two much other stuff going.  Once I get started on that, though, I’m sure it will consume me.  Hey, maybe someday I’ll actually make MONEY for my writing—that would be a novel idea…no pun intended.  Ok, so it was, but I never claimed to be a freaking comedian. 

I also had a miracle happen today.  Yes!  You heard me!  An absolute miracle!  My dear Bethany, who is turning 9 this month, turned up needing a orthodontist visit….an ‘early consult’ they called it because her adult canines haven’t dropped.  I get her in there thinking that she’ll need braces but we can put it off for a few years until we have a little more money—huh huh.  We have a 1500.00 deductible on our dental insurance plan.  Not good.  The doc informs me right there and then that she needs braces on her four upper teeth right now because if we don’t make room for the canines to come in, she’ll eventually need surgery which will be more costly and lots more painful for her.  Gah!  Will the perpetual sucking away of our money never end?  Not that we have that much to lose, mind you.  Yet another great reason getting paid for my writing would be stellar.  So, the doctor explains everything and I ask how long this procedure can be put of without hurting her due to our financial situation.  His response totally blew me away.  Here’s what he said.  “Well, I’m just going to waive your deductible and bill the insurance.  I can do that because I own the company.  I honestly don’t like insurance companies and I don’t want her to wait because I don’t want to risk this problem getting any worse.”  I just sat there—stoic for a moment.  When I realized that he was charging me NOTHING out of pocket, I almost started to cry.  It’s not very often that life gives you cherries---especially financial ones.  I was so taken back—they had her in the chair and had the braces on before the reality of his kind gesture truly sank in.  What a kind and caring man.  I frantically text messaged Frroggie to tell him the news and even he was a bit dumbfounded.  I guess paying all that tithing was bound to come full circle some time.  What a kind and caring doctor, eh?  And…not that it matters, but I found out he’s LDS. 

So, I guess you could say over the past few months, we’ve had a few miracles in our lives.  First, the birth of our first son, then the temple-(I wasn’t sure I’d ever get my husband there—it took a small miracle), and then not having to pay a dime for Bethany’s braces.  I’m gonna think a good thought since we’re on this little ‘miracle spree’ and say, what the heck----my books are gonna get published!  So, I’ll go forth expecting good things and hopefully draw them into my life.  Til next time…..take care y’all!

Wende

Let’s talk about life’s little wonders….  Ok, maybe I should start by explaining what I’m talking about.  We all have our moments of brilliance and glory as we travel through this life.  It’s the kind of moment where you only get one shot to get it right.  Where what you’re experiencing can never be repeated and when it’s over you are left with an extravagant memory that you will look back on and wish you could re-live over and over again.  Some of those moments are individual, and some of them are shared with others.  We usually know in advance if one of these moments or the opportunity for one of these moments is going to be in our near future.  For example, earning an award of some type for which we have worked very hard.  Our wedding day.  The birth of a new child.  Some type of accomplishment which is singularly important to the person or persons experiencing it.  Once it’s done and over, you can’t get it back and so you have to be vigilant at making every second of it count---breathing it in as though it’s your very last breath, tasting it like it’s the last piece of chocolate you’ll ever have for the rest of your existence---seeing it as though you’ve been blind your entire life until  you have a successful operation that corrects your vision and the very first thing you see clearly when they remove the bandages is your first new born child.  Something that is nothing short of amazing and wonderful.  I have a moment like this that is supposed to be occurring next month.  It has caused me to think an awful lot about these such moments in our lives and how we do or do not prepare for them.

 

It seems to me that in this fast-paced society we live in, we tend to overlook some of life’s greatest gifts and some of life’s little wonders.  When was the last time you sat and watched the sunset and just appreciated it without worrying about all the other responsibilities you weren’t tending to while you were watching it?  Do we take time to prepare for our moments of brilliance and glory so that we can truly get the best out of them?  Seriously---now really think about that.  If you have a huge bachelor party and get smashed the night before your wedding, are you going to get the most out of that experience the next day while your head is screaming obscenities at you and the buzz of a mosquito sounds amazingly similar to a 747 flying overhead?  Probably not.  Maybe you care about that and maybe you don’t.  But how much happier could these moments be if we would allow ourselves to stress a little less, take it all in stride, and create as much positive energy as possible leading up to it?  I can’t help but think it would be an amazing difference. 

In this particular scenario of mine, there are a few thorns working against me.  A few things troubling me that happen to be variables which, unfortunately, I cannot control.  And, these little would-be thorns have the power to make or break this special moment awaiting my family and I.  I’m spending time worrying about them which in and of itself, is not positive or productive.  But I can’t help it---I’m female, after-all.  So, perhaps by sending this message out there in hopes that it might actually help another human brother or sister to make their moments of brilliance and glory be enhanced and brightened; I will in turn, assuage my fear of the possible attackers of my moment and tame the worry beast building inside of me. 

 

Dear readers, it is my sincere hope that we will all take time to smell the roses, allow positive energy to enhance and fulfill our experiences, and above all, receive our moments of brilliance and glory for what they truly are and not allow ourselves to tarnish them in any way either before they happen or by sabotaging the actual event itself.  I’m hoping for one perfect weekend with my husband and children---is that so much to ask?  I want it to be lovely and special and wholesome and pure.  I want it to be beautiful and spiritual and loving.  I want the memory of it to shine brighter than any other memory of my life.  Not just for myself but for all of those who are involved in it.  It’s something that my husband and I have worked quite hard for and it’s finally coming to fruition.  I just hope that it will be everything that I want it to be and more.  I’ll be sure to post a follow-up after the event.  But in the meantime, please be prepared for these once-in-a-lifetime moments and relish them.  Accept them and make them the beautiful part of your experience here.  After all, beauty isn’t as easy to find these days as one might think.  The negative is everywhere in everything.  It is up to us to become more and find what we were sent here to find…. It is up to us to learn the good parts and not just make them happen, but make them count.  Enjoy life’s little wonders to the fullest!

 

Wen J

 

WOW!  It's been forever since I was on this.  Sorry devoted fans---all 2 of you.  The last trimester of my pregnancy was a living hell.  But, at long last, Riley Keith is here and we are loving every minute with him.  I'll try and get back on here sometime in the near future---but this cosmogirl is exhausted and sleep-deprived these days, so no promises for anything really soon.  But for now, please give a warm welcome to the newest frroglet to join the lilypad......

 

Isn't he beautiful?  I'm a proud momma!  :)

Greetings dear readers!  All three of you....  ahem, well, I've been a bit busy lately and haven't had much time to write.  Frroggie and I are doing well, the kids are good, and life is progressing.  I'm thinking of Big Mike right now as I write this because The Koala Brothers is playing in the background on Disney channel.  Cute program...

 

Ok, this has been a slow September and it's not just because I'm pregnant.  I have a revised due date after having an ultrasound.  It's February 14th, 2008.  Not only is this Valentine's Day (the worst holiday of the year if you ask me...) but it's also Rob Thomas's birthday, which of course redeems the date---as dates go, anyway.   Otherwise all would be lost because let's just face it folks, Valentine's day just blows...  My next ultrasound where perhaps we will get lucky and find out the sex of the baby is in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping for a boy because I don't have one yet, but I'll be just as happy with a girl.

 

I've been thinking as to why I feel it's been a long September, and I think part of it is the record breaking heat Arizona has been suffering from.  One can only take so much of that.  And I believe the other reason is due to the demon two year old that I watch five days a week.  Well, him and his hellion baby brother.  I'm a lover of pretty much all children but wow---these kids are off the charts.  If I didn't need the money so badly....  The two year old turns three in a couple of weeks and he isn't potty trained yet.  So, guess who's working with him and trying to make that happen?  Lucky me.  And the only reason I'm doing that is because I'm tired of changing his shitty pants.  Sorry, but that's the truth.  The kid is a nightmare and is fighting the potty training process all the way.  So, any of you parents out there that might have some sound advice on potty training a little boy, please share.  Bethany was potty trained in one day and I have been working with this kid for several weeks now.  I'm going crazy.  Of course, his parents are very young and don't have a clue what they're doing, but the mom isn't even trying to work with him.  Now, why in the hell wouldn't one want to potty train their child?  I think she just expects me to do it and she doesn't understand that it doesn't work that way....it HAS to be reinforced at home.  Ok, anyway, needing some advice on that...

 

Ok, and maybe one of the other reasons it's been a long September is because there is a lot of change on the horizon in my immediate and extended family.  Two of my sisters had babies in the last six weeks, me and my sister in law are both expecting, my mom is leaving for a mission and will be gone for 18 months, Frroggie and I are at looooong last planning on going through the temple (in Dec or Jan) and well, Frroggie is also considering going to school for a major career change and a better job.  Let's just say, many things are in the works that will have a significant impact on our lives....hopefully for the good.  My X has continued with his 'court happiness' and trying to drag me in over every little thing.  I fired my attorney and decided to self-represent.  I'm on a fixed income and can't afford this crap every other month.  Turns out that so far it's been a good decision.  It was easier than I thought it would be to respond to things and now the judge has called a hearing which is really good news for me.  It's late next month and I'll letcha know how that all turns out.  So it's like, even though we're being met with some adversity, I'm actually feeling pretty positive--which is progress for me.  I've been struggling with a bit of depression for a while now.  It's funny how when I start concentrating more on God and making more attempts to bring him into my life, I seem to be happier.  You'd think I woulda learned by now.  In a most interesting and long awaited turn of events, however, Frroggie has begun turning to God and making positive changes in himself.  This of course trickles over into our marriage which is nice.

 

I anticipate that the rest of this year will go by somewhat quickly with the holidays and such and before we know it, our new little one will join us.  I'm rather excited for the things on the horizon in my life.  I've been working on my book and hope to send it out to publishers soon.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....  Well, enjoy the rest of September, dear readers, and let's all gear up for the holiday season and hope it will be a great one!

 

TTFN,

 

Wen :)